Shards of Ice - savior86

Title: Shards of Ice
Url: www.winglin.net/fanfic/soi
Author: savior86
Reviewer: miss lovie @ ambiguousabyss.blogspot.com

DISCLAIMER: Review given by the reviewer might be harsh, but no insults or disparaging comments intended.

Title: 8/10

This is interesting. I like the way you describe their broken marriage as broken ice – cold and beyond hope.

Forewords: 5.5/10

You’re simply giving the readers an idea of what the story is going to be about, but definitely not drawing them. You could have included an excerpt from your story, for example the first chapter, to captivate your readers because I found the last few paragraphs interesting. Questions like ‘Why was Bomi being abused by JaeJoong?’ will keep your readers reading on. What’s more, they foreshadow the theme of abuse and broken marriages.

Poster & Background: 6/10

The mood of the poster isn’t really right. I would have preferred a darker colour to fit the mood of the story. Also, I found it unnecessary to include ‘The Meaning of Love’ on your poster, which makes your title cliché. ‘Shards of Ice’ is good enough. And, do add a background.

Characters: 3.5/5

I can see really great characterisation in Bomi and JaeJoong. However, it’s such a pity that it is quite inconsistent.

Creativity & Originality: 13/20

I give credits to the original plot of broken marriage. No doubt, this is really the first time I ever read a fanfic about broken marriage, so it’s refreshing. However, the development of the plot has yet to reach its fullest. You could have attempted more ideas related to the controlling idea like focusing on the abuse and child’s POV.

Story plotting & Organisation: 7/15

The organisation of ideas isn’t really great because I found the order of the plot boring. Instead of chronological order, perhaps you would like to try flashback? What’s more, I found the sudden focus on Yoochun and Yeonhee disturbing because it was random and out of nowhere. You could have foreshadowed it in the first few chapters and prepare the readers for it. And, I would have preferred Geunsuk not to make his entrance into the story. Firstly, I don’t see how his appearance can show JaeJoong’s repentance except for two men fighting childishly over the women they loved. Secondly, his appearance is not related to the main theme, unless he’s a man who’s there for Bomi at the lowest point of her life.

Language: 12/20

I found some expressions and descriptions awkward. One very good example would be “I will go here whenever I’m sad”. When you’re referring to ‘here’, ‘come’ should be used instead of ‘go’.

Another problem which I thought it to be quite ‘fatal’ to your story is the sentence structure of your story. I would highly recommend you to vary your sentence structure so as to make your story more interesting.
Sample:
I looked around me, I had better start cleaning now if I want to catch some sleep before the sun decides to show itself and start a new day of lonely existence. I was about to stand up when I felt someone grab my hand. Startled, I lost balance and landed on my husband’s sturdy body. I raised my head… and met Jaejoong’s anguished stare.
Notice that all the sentences start with ‘I’? Do try to vary your sentence structure.


Enjoyment: 7/10

The sadness conveyed was strongly felt, which made the reading enjoyable. (:

Bonus: 5/5

Good luck and all the best to your future fictions!(:

Total: 67/100