Culmination - heartsong

Title: Culmination
Url: www.winglin.net/fanfic/Culmination
Author: heartsong
Reviewer: miss lovie @ ambiguousabyss.blogspot.com

DISCLAIMER: Review given by the reviewer might be harsh, but no insults or disparaging comments intended.

Title: 8.5/10

Yes, I like this. It is short, yet it is capable of capturing of my attention. Moreover, this is quite rarely seen as a one-word title. So, good job.

Forewords: 6.5/10

You would have gotten 7 or 7.5 if you shorten this. I can sense that you’re trying really hard to keep the readers in suspense, and you did, but you soon lost it, as soon as you added in a few paragraphs. Do not brief your readers too much on the story. Leave it short and simple.

Sample:

Things actually started with just the two of us, back then when he was still mine, for keeps. We’d never thought of ourselves as one without the other, but I guess things could change.
They did change, that one night when he came over for dinner.
They changed drastically.
----
“Hey Elle, it’s, uh, getting dark out.”
I laughed at him, staring into his brown eyes lazily as I remained in my position under the tree, my head on his lap, my heart in my ears, thumping as loud as the day I was first born. This was my best friend, Chun Wu, and I never intended to let him go, not ever.
“So?” I shot back cheekily, hoping he’d have the reaction I desired.
“How about, uh, I send you home?” he asked. Almost blushing; his eyes widened when he caught my expression.
I smiled at him and got to my feet, “Come over for dinner then, it’s been awhile since you last did so.”
Leave things hanging in the mid-air. This would be more effective instead of foreshadowing your readers that her sister would be the third party because you drop a bombshell on them and lead them straight to the climax.


Poster & Background: 9/10

Great poster! I love it! the effects and all are great, but I feel that it would be much better if you add some quotes, preferably emotional ones, to really evoke those emotions intended in your readers.

Characters: 4/5

Yes, I love your characterisation. You have really shaped the protagonists well through their thoughts and feelings. Keep it up.

Creativity & Originality: 8/20

Like what you have said, this is overly-used. I hope you’re not looking forward to a high score for this criterion. But, just to add on, I would like to say I was relieved that the so-called third party isn’t her best friend. Plots with male best friend falling in love with female best friend are totally unforgivable. I would have deducted a few points for that if you have used that.

Story plotting & Organisation: 9/15

The flow of the story is generally consistent and comfortable with readers, however, its pace is simply too slow. If you notice, one idea can stretch over quite a few chapters, which can bore your readers and turn them off. Of course I can also understand that your focus is the protagonists’ thoughts and feelings. But please do pace the story out.

Language: 18/20

This is great. I really enjoyed every single expression and description of yours. They are creative, and I can never deny your efforts in them. Keep them going.

Enjoyment: 7/10

Though I can understand that you’re focus on feelings and emotions, you should never neglect the plot development. Readers would still be looking forward to some climaxes.

Bonus: 5/5

More great chapters from you please!(:

Total: 75/100