Eternally Frozen - ikang

Title: Eternally Frozen
Url: www.winglin.net/fanfic/ikang4
Author: ikang
Reviewer: miss lovie @ ambiguousabyss.blogspot.com

DISCLAIMER: Review given by the reviewer might be harsh, but no insults or disparaging comments intended.

Title: 9/10

I’m impressed by this title. There’s this skillful use of the technique, imagery, which means to create an image, with just your title. I can imagine an old photo, which seems to capture something eternally frozen.

Forewords: 7.5/10

A little too short? Though it manages to interest me to read on, it’s still too short to keep the suspense for long, if you’re going to procrastinate for long. xD (You mentioned that you love to procrastinate! LOL!)

Poster & Background: -/10

Not applicable.

Characters: 3/5

This is very vague. This one-shot, probably due to its length, it is inadequate to even characterize your characters. They are just not prominent enough. But I do like the use of dialogues to show the elder brother’s affection for his younger brother.

Creativity & Originality: 14/20

This is definitely refreshing. However, I’m a little disappointed with the undeveloped plot. You would have gotten high marks, if you elaborated on the part where the elder brother ‘cheated’ his younger brother. It was left hanging, making things pretty confusing. And, the mention of the white flower was random.

Story plotting & Organisation: 8/15

Things are going a little too fast in your one-shot. It felt as though you’re skipping many scenes. This left many things unexplained.

Language: 14/20

Your wide range of vocabulary is impressive.

However, your major problem lies in the paragraphing.

Example:

The warrior’s vision started to blur, and his eyes started to glaze. His lids started to droop, and his limbs started to numb from the pain. The cold stung his skin, and he shivered from it. He was fading. He was fading fast.
Sample:

The warrior’s vision started to blur, and his eyes started to glaze; his eyes started to droop, and his limbs started to numb from the pain; the cold stung his skin, and he shivered from it. He was fading; fading fast.

This structure will enhance your intention of reiteration.

Enjoyment: 6/10

I’m sorry I didn’t quite enjoy this because I found it pretty confusing. Like what I have said before, you probably would want to elaborate on what happened before this. As for the ending, although it was well addressed, readers would probably want details. I think the major problem lies in the undeveloped plot though you have one good one.

Bonus: 5/5

Continue to work hard! Hope to see more one-shots from you! (:

Total: 66.5/90 = 73/100