Adventure / Escape - Miss Emergency

Title: Adventure/Escape
Url: www.winglin.net/fanfic/missemergency
Author: Miss Emergency
Reviewer: miss lovie@ambiguousabyss.darkbb.com

DISCLAIMER: Harsh review ahead, but no insults or disparaging comments intended.

Title: 5/10

It sounds like a genre more than a title. If it’s meant to be a title of a thriller, it is too plain and uninteresting. However, to my surprise, I realised that it’s supposed to be some kind of ‘adventure’ exploring the element of love. No doubt, this caught me by surprise but I would really appreciate a more attention-grabbing title. You will lose out to the other authors out there if you continue to stick to this, because yours will look plain boring on the main webpage.

Forewords: 6/10

The short summary there did interest me to read on. However, I would prefer a prologue or prelude to this, because you’re actually revealing the whole plot to your readers. Isn’t it such a pity? It would be lovely if you introduce them into your story as you write. And, your character introduction(I take it to be part of your forewords) is too long. You can cut down on it, because I would have preferred you to characterized your protagonist through your fiction, instead of telling me.

Poster & Background: -/10

Not available. But, it would definitely be better if you can include one to enhance the mood.

Characters: 4/5

I was quite impressed by the intricate and detailed characterisation. Good job.

Creativity & Originality: 12/20

This is a little hard. Your story is incomplete so your plot is not yet fully developed. But, from what I read so far, the scenes are still at the introductory stage. Getting a gist of what your story is going to be about, I think it’s quite interesting. However, I would suggest that you cut down on the number of pairings. With so many names in the fiction, I found it confusing.

Story plotting & Organisation: 8.5/15

The flow of your story is irregular. For example, in the last chapter, Olive and Yamapi actually got together. It was kind of abrupt, because there was nothing in the previous chapters which suggested them having feelings for each other(except on Yamapi’s part). You can try foreshadowing, and prepare the readers for the ‘’surprises’.
As for organisation, I think it would be better if you could end each chapter with a little climax. That would interest the readers to read on.

Language: 15/20

Your vocabulary is much enjoyable because they really beautify your story. Good job.

However, I found your paragraphing a serious problem.

Example:
Olive jiggled her leg up and down impatiently as she sat in the chair in front of a rather aged man and woman, along with several assorted business types. Olive was almost visibly sweating. The old man, one who rarely seen by the public, spoke up:
“Now Miss Rohan, I am to understand that you are willing to work fro Johnny and Associates in the position of talent handler. You have no wish to become involved with any of the current talents signed to the jimusho?”
Olive was so nervous that she laughed, oops. “I most certainly have no intention of starting a relationship with any member of the jimusho. Besides, wouldn’t you assign me to working with the younger talents, like the juniors?”
The old woman, who reminded Olive of every smell she disliked spat out,” Ahh yes, but you never know what those young girls will do. All tramps these days, conniving little bitches.”
Olive blinked, once, twice; “excuse me, but what did you just say? You just slyly referred to me as a conniving bitch, did you not? How impossibly rude; you have no idea of the kind of girl I am and don’t you dare make any assumptions. Though if we are on the topic of assumptions, then I am going to assume from you previous statement that you are a woman hating hag; how about that?” As soon as Olive finished speaking, the repercussions of her words sank in. “Oh Jesus,” she muttered in English.
To her surprise and great astonishment, Johnny Kitagawa laughed! He let out an appealing chuckle, which rumbled quietly through the room. His sister simply sat there, gaping like a fish, and all the businesspeople tried to hide their shock. “Well, Miss Rohan it is safe to say that you are quite the spitfire; I like it. How would you like to work for the jimusho?”
Olive snapped her head toward the man and nodded emphatically. “I would be more than honoured, Kitagawa-san.”
Johnny clapped his hands together, “then let us sign the contract.”


This whole chunk could be reduced to paragraphs. If not, you’re just making life more difficult than it already is. I practically skipped all the parts where there were huge chunks of words. I find it hard to read on because it’s pretty confusing.

Enjoyment: 6/10

I enjoyed the descriptions a lot. (:

And I was quite impressed by the skillful change of point of view, from a first person’s point to a third person’s point of view.

However, I hate those superfluous parts. For example, in the first chapter, you said “Of course Narita Airport was busy; is it even worth mentioning?” Since it’s not worth mentioning, then don’t mention it. Cut down on the superfluous parts because they will turn readers off.


Bonus: 5/5

I can see your efforts. Good luck and all the best!(:

Total: 61.5/90 = 68.3/100