One Day in Rome, One Night in Singapore

Title: One Day In Rome, One Night In Singapore
Url: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/rome_singapore
Reviewer: Death God @ Ambiguous Abyss

Title: 7.5/10

Your title matches very well with your story, which reveal much about the story plot. However, something bugs me about the title. It was a little lengthy, which make it hard for people to remember well. No offence to this, as I'm a lover of short story title. But, each has different view.

Forewords: 7/10

A refreshing start, yet not strong enough to grab on my attention. The short introduction of the city sound fine to me, yet it doesn't hook me well enough to arouse my interest for the story. Maybe, more detail (be it the cast, or the story) reveal, will make it better.

Poster & Background: -/10

I'll skip this part as you don't have any poster currently.

Characters: 3.5/5

Pairing wise, I've nothing to comment. I totally adore CE very much, so 2 marks for that. Characterisation wise, I've awarded you 1.5 marks. Reason being, I believe more interaction/descriptions, or even dialogues can enhance the characters more to life.


Creativity & Originality: 14/20

Plot wise certainly sound refreshing, yet the ending and certain meeting part just sound cliché. I actually like the refreshing foreword, yet the upcoming chapter fail to make me excitied enough to arouse my attention. My advise to you, is to let your imagination runs more wild. To create more interesting, yet fun interaction interaction/descriptions, or even dialogues that can help to enhance the creativity and originality to the next level.

Story plotting & Organisation:14/20

It seem fine, as the flow are somehow smooth. But, it begins to be a little bumpy at times when the sentence seem choopy and awkwarding/weird. However, it lack a certain factor that will arouse reader's attention.
First of all, cut down on those choopy and awkwarding/weird sentence, and break up into smaller parts.

Example:

Instead Of This-

Ella opened her eyes slowly. Her soul was still not full in her body yet. She felt so dizzy and confused. She sat on the bed and looked around her surroundings. Damn. She didn’t know where she was. She wondered where the hell is her Doraemon doll that always accompanies her when she slept. Then her soul came back to her body already. She just realized what happened last night. She was not in Taipei, but in Rome. And this room, had given from Rome too. Well, at least she called him that way.

Try Using This-

Ella opened her eyes slowly. Her soul hasn't being completely back into her body. She felt so dizzy and confused.

She sat on the bed, while looking around her surroundings. Damn. She didn’t know where she was.

She wonders, why the Doraemon doll that always accompanies her when she slept wasn't there. Then her soul came back to her body fully, making her recalled what happened last night.

She was not in Taipei, but in Rome. While this room, belongs to that Rome. Well, at least she called him that way.

Secondly, try adding little surprise here and there, to spices up the story more.

Thirdly, try adding more interesting interaction between the main lead. This is to make the reader excitied, and wanting to read on more.

Lastly, try to be more organise in your idea. You tend to jump your idea around, here and there. Which, sometimes confused the reader.

Language: 10/15
Spelling wise sound fine to me, but the grammar in this story ain't too constant. One more point to add, which I've mention in the Story plotting & Organisation part. Cut down on those choopy and awkwarding/weird sentence, and break up into smaller parts.

Example:

Instead Of This-

Ella stood there speechless. She had made him angry to him again with screaming on him. She knew that sometimes she was just overreacted but after thinking about the possibility that she could meet bad guy and raped her, then suddenly Rome came out half naked in front of her, of course made her freaked out. She felt really guilty though. She always made some trouble for this man.

Try This-

Ella stood there speechlessly. She have make him angry, by screaming at him. She knew that she overreacted at time.

But after thinking of the possibility of meeting bad guy that will rape her, the sudden appearance of the half naked Rome make her freaked out. She felt guilty though, for causing so much trouble for this man from times to times.

Enjoyment: 5/10

I could have enjoy fully, if those choopy and awkwarding/weird sentence are edited away. I did enjoy the whole process of the meeting, until the ending. But, the choopy and awkwarding/weird setence bugs me a lot.

Bonus: 3/5

2 marks awarded, for the effort in replying comment. 1 mark awarded, for the effort you put in for this story.

Total: 64/90 = 71/100