Criminal and Inspector - Crystal_03

Title: Criminal and Inspector
Author: Crystal Princess
Url: www.winglin.net/fanfic/Crystal_03
Reviewer: miss lovie @ambiguousabyss.blogspot.com

DICLAIMER: Harsh review ahead. No insults nor disparaging comments intended.

Title: 5/10

This is definitely not catchy. And, from the title, you can tell what’s the whole plot about, which is a big NO-NO. You should try to come up with a title relevant to vengeance, but don’t reveal the plot.

Forewords: 7/10

It’s interesting. It did manage to grab my attention.

As for the character introduction, I would have preferred you to leave it out. That short paragraph is enough.

(I will explain why later.)

Poster & Background: 5/10

Nice poster. It isn’t exactly great, but I can see your efforts. Good efforts. However, to my disappointment, it doesn’t suit the mood of your story. It would be better if the poster is darker than the blue you have now. And, if Jiro and Hebe are the mains, please do not include them. If not, include pictures of equal sizes.

Characters: 3/5

I can see a little characterisation here. Good.

Creativity & Originality: 13/20

Your plot isn’t exactly refreshing, but I like it. But, it would have been more interesting if you don’t reveal Ella’s identity as Eliza. Keep it from the readers, but leave hints and clues lying around here and then. This would be more interesting.

Story plotting & Organisation: 9/15

Good job on the attempts to leave cliffhangers at the end of the few chapters you have. And, the flow of the story is generally fine, except the last chapter. Why did Ella suddenly kiss her? Maybe, you would like foreshadow that before bombarding the readers with this scene. It is too abrupt.

Language: 10/20

Stick to consistent tenses. You started off with present tense, yet, as the story goes on, you continued with past tenses. This is confusing.

To be frank, I intended to fail you for your expressions. But, after some serious consideration, I decided not to because I can see your efforts in trying to describing. Some were nice, and I liked them. Despite so, you still have to work harder on your language.

Example 1:

From there, revealed an angelic and unsmiling face. She looked at her friend who sat opposite from her. Her friend, who also wore white clothe with short hair and cold eyes, spoke:

“They said that they found some clues about the murder last night…” She paused.

Sample 1:

From there, IT revealed an angelic YET unsmiling face. She looked at her friend who sat opposite from her. Her friend, who also wore white clothe, HAS short hair and cold eyes.

The latter broke the silence, “They said that they found some clues about the murder last night…”

Example 2:

“But…You want to make Hebe has a broken heart again?”

Sample 2:

“But… You want to break Hebe's heart again…?”

Enjoyment: 6/10

Still, same as ever, I would have preferred you to hide Ella’s real identity. This fiction would have been more exciting and enjoyable.

Bonus: 5/5

I can see your efforts in trying to write exciting chapters. Keep it going! (:

Total: 63/100

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