Tarnished - SleepiiDreamer

Title: Tarnished
Author: SleepiiDreamer
Url: www.winglin.net/fanfic/twm
Reviewer: miss lovie@ambiguousabyss.blogspot.com

Disclaimer: Harsh review ahead. But, no insults or disparaging comments intended.

Title: -/10

Not applicable because this is a writing challenge. Nevertheless, I like it. It gives me a melancholic feeling.

Forewords: 8/10

This is excellent. It grabbed my attention. I love the way you drew me into the story. I felt as though I was JaeJoong, and I could feel those emotions overwhelming me.

Poster & Background: 9/10

Nice poster and background. However, it doesn’t really suit the mood of the story. I would suggest that it is darker. The picture with Boa seems to be too bright and lively for such a tragedy. And, include a quote if possible. It would be nice.

Characters: 2.5/5

The characterisation of protagonists has room for improvement. You could work on more descriptions, or their dialogues to bring the characters to life.

Creativity & Originality: 11/20

I would not call this creative enough to give me any element of surprise. You see, I could predict how the story goes, except for the ending. It’s too much of a coincidence though. I would have preferred you to write the kill as an intentional one. This would ‘horrify’ your readers and sustain their interest.

And, I’m confused why you bring in a new character. She seems to be superfluous. Perhaps, Yunho…? I thought she was related to that gang.

Story plotting & Organisation: 8/15

I would have preferred one-shot. You can easily write this one-shot. Anyways, that was what you’re intending to do at first. Why extend the story? Now, there are many superfluous parts you could easily do without. And, this brings me to my point that the flow of your story is inconsistent, especially the last chapter. You suddenly brought us to the ending, which was very abrupt and uncomfortable.

I would suggest that you would alternate the scenes where he’s going to kill, describing his internal struggle, with romantic scenes he had with Boa. This would highlight the agony in him once he killed Boa, rather than you having your epilogue to describe his ruefulness and his pain. Sometimes, it’s better to leave it to the readers to imagine and feel.

And, if you insist on writing this in a format of that of a short story, please try to include cliffhangers at the end of each chapter. This would interest the readers to read on.

Language: 15/20

No doubt you have a wide vocabulary, which add colours to your story.

I was intrigued by your descriptions in the prologue, however, towards the end of the story, those mologues in the eplilogue do not seem as to have the same effect as those inthe prologue. It became very superfluous. Maybe you can improve them by replacing them with narration or re-paragraphing.

Excerpt:

But it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter if the sun’s rays shone brilliantly or if the waves made soothing noises as it hit the cliffs. All of it didn’t matter. LIFE for Jae Joong had no more meaning. Jae Joong’s life and world had been tarnished ever since Boa had stopped breathing.

Sample:

But it didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t matter if the sun’s rays shone brilliantly or if the waves made soothing noises as it hit the cliffs.

All of it didn’t matter.

LIFE for Jae Joong had no more meaning.

Jae Joong’s life and world had been tarnished ever since Boa had stopped breathing.

Enjoyment: 6.5/10

I admit that I was intrigued by your prologue. But soon, I lost interest in your story, especially towards the end of the story. The ending was sort of disappointing because I didn’t feel as sad as I thought I would have been for such a tragedy.

Still, I have to say, I love those romantic moments. They are sweet.

Bonus: 5/5

Good luck for your future fanfictions.(:

Total: 65/90 = 72.2/100

---

hope you will like the review.(: