J Dean - Ms J Dean

Title: J Dean
Author: Ms J Dean
Url: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/JDean/
Reviewer: Anna @ambiguous abyss


Warning: The reviewer doesn’t have anything against the Author. This is only an honest review, so don’t be mad if there are any unpleasant comments.

Title: 7.5/10

It doesn’t really give me some effect with your title. But after seeing your poster, maybe it does have something. Two names become one? Nice, I love it ^__^. Maybe you can add in something so that your readers won’t think like, “JDean? What?”

Forewords: 7.5/10

I like this. You’re using some of the scene. But remember, long foreword may lead the readers slowly to boredom. If they can’t wait for the main point, they might just click themselves away. For me it’s okay, but some may not be happy with it.

Poster & Background: 9/10

It’s simple and yet, very neat. You’re keeping the background simple, which I love. But try to show off the girl’s face in your poster. I like the atmosphere, but some may be curious to have a look on the main girl. I hope you’ll get what I mean.

Characters: 5/5

I like it JDean. Means J and Dean? It’s different from the others. I like how you slowly pull in more characters without messing the whole content.


Creativity & Originality: 18/20

I love this. I mean, the way J is in his world and Dean with another world, but actually, they’re connected to one another.
I like about the locket thing, and I found it pretty touching.
So this is where I’m starting to think that I like your fanfic ^__^

Creativity, I know you tried your best to tell your own story to the public. And I know how it feels to re-told them. So you deserve high points here.

Originality, I’m not sure about this. But still, I think it’s original enough.


Story plotting & Organization: 12/15

This is a bit confusing, especially when they’re starting a conversation.

Example-

“I thought you won’t come today as you said Arai has no operations tonight?” he asked in half whispering, after ensuring Mirai just pretending to be asleep. A woman which is 5 years apart from him, opened her eyes a second to see her boyfriend staring right into her face, then close them again. She uttered a few sighs before replying, “He’s a cheat! Poor me to have such a husband in this world.” She gets closer to J, hoping that J would touch her hair like he always does. “Hmmm… Mirai-chan kawaisou ne?” he runs his fingers through her hair but utter a teaser smile at its end. “What’s with that smile?” Mirai pretends to be mad, pushing J out of her sight for a second, and then continued… “You won’t chase me out of here tonight, desyou? Shifting his hand from Mirai’s hair to her face, J calmed her with “why would I chase you, uhm?” Both ended up smiling like the happiest newlywed in the middle of their honeymoon.

Replaced-

“I thought you won’t come today as you said Arai has no operations tonight?” he asked in half whispering, after ensuring Mirai just pretending to be asleep.

A woman which is 5 years apart from him, opened her eyes a second to see her boyfriend staring right into her face, then close them again. She uttered a few sighs before replying, “He’s a cheat! Poor me to have such a husband in this world.” She gets closer to J, hoping that J would touch her hair like he always does.

“Hmmm… Mirai-chan kawaisou ne?” he runs his fingers through her hair but utter a teaser smile at its end.

“What’s with that smile?” Mirai pretends to be mad, pushing J out of her sight for a second, and then continued… “You won’t chase me out of here tonight, desyou?“

Shifting his hand from Mirai’s hair to her face, J calmed her with “why would I chase you, uhm?”

Both ended up smiling like the happiest newlywed in the middle of their honeymoon.

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That’ll make it easier for the readers to read. Instead of packing one conversation together, and head bang readers with confusion of who’s talking at that time.

The rest, I have no problems with it

Language: 16/20

The mixture of English and Japanese, which is okay for me and I personally like it. I have no problems on understanding the chapters. And you did provide your readers with wordlists. But frankly, if they keep on checking one keywords and check it again, (since they’re so many Japanese words.) they might lost their concentration in the story.

Try to reduce using short-sentences.
And incase you haven’t noticed, you put present tense in some areas and past tense in the other area. This is normal mistake that anyone could have done. Spelling mistake is something that occurs regularly. Make sure you’re alert of it.


Enjoyment: 8.5/10

There’s low and high points in this story, sometimes I found it’s pretty okay in some chapters, and then up again. But I really, really like the story. Towards the end, it dragged me more. Keep it up


Bonus: 4/5

For creating a great fanfic, thumbs up.


Total: 87.5/100 = 88% (round it off since I think it’s good ^^)