I'm pale enough for us both - KaNizzieKuun

Title: I’m Pale Enough For Us Both
Url: www.winglin.net/fanfic/KaNizzieKuun
Reviewed by: Miss Lovie @ Ambiguous Abyss

Title: 7/10

Good attempt. This does sound interesting.

Forewords: 5/10

I have always preferred a prologue to a summary. A summary serves to give the readers an idea of the whole story, while the prologue serves as an introduction to the story. If you were the reader, would you prefer to know the whole story, or be kept in suspense? I supposed you would choose the latter because no one likes to be told how the story goes, but find out on his own. So, I would recommend you to write a prologue, or just a scene of climax of the story.

Poster & Background: 5/10

[Disclaimer: I’m not a professional graphic designer. The feedbacks below are written based on how I think your graphics can appeal more to the readers. No disparaging comments intended.]

The texts on your poster, like “Lee Dong Hae” and “Ayumi”, have destroyed almost everything. Incongruous use of colour and font size.

Your background certainly isn’t okay. I could not make out your words when they clash with the background. I would suggest that you remove the background and replace it with another one.

Characters: 3/5

This pairing is quite rare. Interesting.

Creativity & Originality: 10/20

The plot has not really revealed itself yet due to the incomplete story. So far, there isn’t much creativity yet, but just scenes of interactions between the protagonists. You have got to work on that to interest the readers. I would suggest you branch out of the main idea. Always remember to link sub-ideas back to main idea to avoid confusion.

But I do like the idea of the inclusion of the letter.

Story plotting & Organisation: 7/15

You have failed to interest readers to read on after each chapter, due to the absence of a small climax at the end of each chapter. Inclusion of small climaxes at the end of each chapter not only intrigues readers to read on, but also helps you in the development of story plot.

And, the flow of the story is inconsistent. At times, your scenes can stretch over chapters but during others, you included a few scenes in one. Adjust and control accordingly.

Language: 12/20

There are quite a few spelling and grammatical errors. Remember to correct them before posting up each chapter with the aid of Microsoft Words.

Avoid typing emotions beside the dialogues. It is very confusing.

A wider range of vocabulary should be used.

And, please include the translation of Korean words in the forewords. I can understand but others may not be able to.

Enjoyment: 3/10

Firstly, I’m definitely not enjoying my read here because the background has clashed with the font of words! You’re making life difficult for me.

Secondly, the feelings and emotions described aren’t realistic at all. The pain of losing someone is certainly not just crying on the surface, so superficially. You should include intricate descriptions of Donghae and Ayumi were feeling then when they were missing their dear ones. I would suggest that you don’t include the scene where they met each other at the graveyard because it was too much of a coincidence. Maybe it would be better if Ayumi comforts Donghae after that. Take the opportunity to include strong characterisation of protagonists when describing their hidden, unrevealed self.

Thirdly, the change of point of views between characters is very confusing. Avoid doing that. You should just write from one person’s point of view, be it the protagonist’s point of view or from a third person’s point of view.

Bonus: 5/5

You deserve this because I know that it is never easy to start a fanfiction, especially when this is your first one. Also, good efforts making this fanfiction a cute one.

But you have lost quite a lot of marks due to the fact that you have not completed your fanfiction. I would recommend you to request for another review when it is completed. Only then will the review be fairer.
Good luck and all the best for your future fanfiction.

Total: 57/100