Mystery Phonecalls - SHINeeFORever

Title: Mystery Phonecalls
Author: SHINeeFORever
Url: www.winglin.net/fanfic/LoveForever
Reviewer: Lovie@ambiguousabyss.blogspot.com

DISCLAIMER: Warning. Harsh review ahead. But, there is no insults or disparaging comments intended.

Title: 6/10

Yes, this does sounds interesting. I’m interested to know what’s going to happen next. But somehow, ‘Missed Calls’ came into my mind. Is it a murder case too?

And, it should be ‘Mysterious Phone Calls’. It’s incorrect to place two nouns together.

Forewords: 1/10

This is very disappointing. I was looking forward to an interesting prologue, like a small except of the story on the protagonist receiving a mystery phone call. Yet, there is no prologue. You told us who the protagonist is.

Poster & Background: -/10

No applicable.

But, it would definitely be better if you have one.

Characters: 3/5

It’s interesting to see how fictional characters work with stars.

Creativity & Originality: 10/20

It would have been better if you stick to the original idea. The ending is disappointing, because readers would be expecting the real murderers to appear, not her friends imposing the murderers.

I would suggest that you plan your story first, before you write this story. Start with a mindmap, and branch out the ideas from there. Decide on the relationships between the characters to prevent confusion and sudden twists in plot. Remember to follow closely to your controlling idea.

Story plotting & Organisation: 7/15

The flow of story is irregular. Control carefully.

Good attempts on building up suspense at the end of each chapter. Keep it going.

You story has taken the format of a script. I would strongly discourage you from doing so anymore because your story lacks of descriptions as a result. You used brackets to include information that you could have described with words. I would encourage you to describe more, instead of telling the story, because readers’ imagination is restricted as a result. And, use words to describe the emotions you have included. Let me give you an example.

Excerpt:
HyeonSu: hey! there is a fly in your month!
( Anna jumped and saliver dripped out of her month)
HyeonSu: Tats disgusting! I am just joking around:] haha! By the way, why are you looking at that Minho guy? Dont you think that he is annoying?
Anna: Thats wat you think:] I think he so cool and handsome and cute and clever and everything about him is perfect! ( Staring at Minho )
Minho: ( saying from far without looking) That girl over there, dont star at me like that. i am not a ghost.
Anna: Hes so Cool!! ( Whisper enthusiastically to HyeonSu, her best friend )
( HyenSu rolled her eyes)
Sample:

“Hey! There’s a fly in your mouth!” Hyeonsu exclaimed.

Shocked, Anna jumped up from her seat. Accidentally, saliva dripped out of her mouth.

“Oh my! That’s so disgusting!” Hyeonsu contorted her face with dismay, “I’m just joking around with you. Do you have to react so strongly?”

Hyeonsu burst into laughter, only to earn a smack on her head.

“Ouch!” Hyeonsu rubbed the spot where Anna hit and looked in the direction Anna was staring, “By the way, why are you staring at that Minho guy? Don’t you think he’s annoying?”

“That’s what you think, not me,” Anna blushed, “I think he’s cool, handsome, cute, clever… Everything about him is just so perfect!”

“Stop staring at me,” Minho snapped at Anna, without even lifting his head to look at Anna.

“Oh my god! He’s so cool!” Anna squealed. Hyeonsu rolled her eyes.

This would be better because the reader will be imagine the whole scene vividly. Give it a try with your future fanfictions. If you’re worried about your limited vocabulary, start with simple sentences, while building up your vocabulary bank.

Language: 10/20

Be careful of spelling mistakes. I saw quite a number here and there. And, please avoid using short forms.

Punctuation wise, you will have to work on that. I spotted quite a few errors.

And of course, build up your vocabulary. It would be useful.

Last but not least, I would like point out a serious problem. You’re including many emotions in your story. Of course, it’s allowed. However, it only shows your weakness, perhaps, the limited range of vocabulary you have, that’s why you have to use emotions to show how the characters were feeling then.


Enjoyment: 6.5/10

I wasn’t enjoying myself because all the dialogues written in script-form turned me off. Also, there were many [A/N] in the story, which proves to be irritating. You should leave it to the readers to read on.

Nevertheless, it’s still quite a cute fanfiction, considering the adorable scenes between the protagonists.

Bonus: 5/5

It’s never easy to start a fanfiction. I can see you have put in efforts. You deserve these 5 marks.
Good luck for your future fanfictions!(:

Total: 48.5/90 = 53.8/100